31 August, 2011

things have changed

And how. A year back, if the not-much-younger me was offered to play this imprisoned member of the French resistance (with hands manacled throughout, no less!) with an experienced crew and... heck its a Sartre script for crying out loud! Yes, yes that chap would've said an unequivocal yes, done (or at least attempted) a few cartwheels out of sheer joy and gone into that old routine of whole-night rehearsals, slipping dog-tired into another soul's skin and tongue and eyes. Being in a rag-tag group of earnest madmen, half-drunk on creative spasms and shoe-string budgets. That heady feeling of power when there's just you, the stage .... the hush, the spotlight and the holy shadows beyond!
 A year back.

 It feels slightly nauseous, like kicking aside the carcass of some animal killed on a highway. Like a back-stabber, mouthing that litany of "sorry old chap, the part was awesome, but got this crypto project, can't give the time, better I let you guys know now than pulling out later...."

 Maybe its a mark that I'm not as much a kid as I always wished to be, honestly. That pause. That considering of where priorities lay. The realisation that doing several things that requires all my mind and soul and energy is not possible. This recognition that man after all is not born with wings was necessary, but brought with it the bitter aftertaste of another realization.
 That those cherished flights of fantasy: of quests and knights-errant and long evenings of walks, talks and mumbled philosophies and jumbled mumbo-jumbo were a thing of the past. That there are limits to what one may do, or even strive to achieve.
 The choice was made a long time back, shunning the creative for the analytic.

 Looking back at this year so far, I've done some things I had only half-hoped to do. Getting published, writing some meaningful code and in a small, humble way take the first baby-step (more a shuffle) to leave behind the computer as something more than when I was first led up to it. It never came easy, probably because it was never meant to.

 It meant an unfinished canvas (was beginning to look rather crappy anyways, if truth be told), that play and a myriad other things that would've made college-life more happy, but less the way I want the rest of it to be.

Welcome visitor!